He gives and takes away

That phrase seems to be the anthem for my life this year.  I've never experienced grief in my own life and in the lives of others around me more than in this past year.

It started with the death of my 23 year old cousin in February.  That was the beginning of a glimpse into what grief really is.  To hug my Uncle while looking over his shoulder to see pictures of the little boy I remember playing with and taking care of. To see the hurt on my Aunt's face at losing her first born. To watch my cousins, his siblings, struggle with trying to make sense of it all. That is when death started to become very real to me.

A mere 3 months later I experienced the death of my very precious mother.  That hurt was and still is indescribable. Some days, like today,  I feel like I just got punched in the stomach when I think of it. Other days I'm filled with a peace at knowing she's a lot happier now than she ever was here.  But I miss her all of the time.

Last night I got the news that a woman at my MOP's table just lost her precious baby.  She was due to give birth in 4 days.  My heart is breaking for her today.  To think of her having to deliver her baby last night. To be almost there...just days away.  To kiss that baby goodbye. To go through this Christmas season without the precious baby she had planned to be holding.

It's a feeling of helplessness. I can't help bring any of these people back into this world.  I can't take away the pain of any of these situations. I can't even make sense of them. I struggle with trying to find the right things to say and do for those who are grieving.  It's the most powerless feeling.

All I can do is pray.  It is situations like this that smack me back into reality sometimes to realize that there is so much more going on in this world then my little life.  Prayer doesn't come easily to me most times but at times like this it's as if my soul prays without me even knowing.  It just comes up from the deepest part of me.  I wonder if that is were grief hides?  In that deepest part of our soul. The most sensitive part since it is touched so rarely.

My only comfort is knowing in my heart of hearts that one day this grief won't have a place in our souls. That one day we can hug those we miss the most.  We can bury our face in their necks and the "why" won't matter so much.    

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Blessed be Your name.