Love and Laughter

I got a text from my oldest sister Jenny saying "call me when you can talk". I knew that wasn't good. With 6 siblings and 20 something nieces and nephews it could have been about anyone. I thought maybe someone was in a car accident and hurt. Maybe someone lost their job. Maybe someone found out they have cancer. I was prepared mentally for those scenario's by the time I finished dialing her number.  I was not prepared for the next words out of her mouth: "Mom had a heart attack while driving home from work and crashed into a fire hydrant (in that split second I still had hope) and she died.  She died.....those words are so final. Nothing I could do at that point. In the split second of hearing she had a heart attack I had already resolved to the fact that she'd be ok, that she was a fighter and would pull through. Those thoughts didn't even have time to take root before the next words of "she died" were uttered.  So final.

I will never forget everything about that moment. Standing in my kitchen in front of my stove. Collapsing onto the floor yelling into the floor "no, not my mom, not my mom". Poor Rhys standing in the doorway watching. Kennah thankfully taking a longer than usual nap upstairs. Darren being in the room right below where I was laying on the kitchen floor running up the stairs to see what had happened. The rain beginning to fall moments later.  The utter shock and disbelief at the words that I just heard. The hurt in my sisters voice.  I've never known heartache like that in my life before. Just deep heartache. My heart ached for her already and she had just left.  

The days that followed were a fog. I had a to put on a happy face to see my oldest graduate from preschool the next morning. Then had to leave my kids behind and make the trip with my husband back to NY to bury my mother. I never ever thought I'd have to do that. I sincerely never had the thought that my mom would ever not be around. Those days are a fog of planning and honoring and remembering my mom. A lot of sleepless nights followed. A lot of crying. A lot of laughing with my siblings as well. A lot of great stories about my mom.

The memorial service for my mom was amazing. So many people there to remember her. She honestly touched so many peoples lives. It's hard to put into words what kind of person she was and I struggle with that. It feels too cheap just to say "she was such a good person". Because it barely scrapes the surface of who she was.

She was a woman of tremendous faith. My mom had a far from perfect or easy life but she held onto her faith like non other.  Even after the loss of her own mother as a baby, the loss of her Nana who was like a mother to her, the loss of her sister (her best friend), the loss of 3 of her babies, the trials and tribulations of raising the 7 of us, the ups and downs of her marriage, the struggles she had within herself, she never abandoned her Faith.  That is the one true and constant thing in my mothers life was her Faith and she clung to it many times in her life. 

She was a loyal friend. She was so obedient to God's voice to know when someone needed an extra hug that day or just a word of encouragement. She knew when to send flowers or gifts to cheer someone up. She knew just when a phone call was needed. And, she certain knew how to give someone an extra laugh that they needed. 

She knew how to forgive. She was a pro at this. She taught me the importance of this. No matter what the hurt my mom knew that by forgiving you are releasing yourself to freedom and she possessed that freedom because of her choices to forgive. 

She knew how to love. Boy did she know how to love. My mother would be easy content to sit and hug on babies all day long if she could. I'm sure that is one of her jobs up in heaven. You could feel my mom's love just being around her. 

She loved to worship. I am so thankful for the many pictures in my head of my mom worshiping her creator. She would belt out tunes while driving in the car. She would raise her head up to heaven slightly when she was singing. She loved it. Absolutely loved to sing and worship.  She was very at peace in that area. 

Most of all she loved to laugh. I mean she really loved to laugh. She loved playing tricks on people. She loved bringing laughter into people's lives. 

I've been striving the past year to make changes in my life to honor my mother in the way that she lived her life. I realized the awesome gift I was given by having a mother as awesome as she was. I was truly truly blessed to have such a great example of a mom. I pray I can be 1/2 the woman she was.  

I wonder from time to time what she is doing or if she's thinking about us. Can she see my kids when they do things that would make her laugh? Can she hear them pray for her at night? Can she see me in the quiet moments were the grief overtakes me?  I daydream about the exact moment I can see her again. Will I run right past God to see her? To feel her embrace again. To feel her soft skin on her face. To see that amazing smile of hers. To hear her laughter. To see her in her completeness,  not wanting for anything, just happy and content to be.  To worship right along side with her without abandon. I long for that day.  

Here is an excerpt from something she wrote about 5 years ago that I think explains her perfectly, in her own words. 

The question was "How would you like to be remembered? Why is this important to you?"

"As someone who loved and laughed - God gave me those names of love and laughter to define what He imparted into my life as qualities.

Laughter is good for the soul and Love is good for your character. 

It defines who you are and does not set limits on who is to be loved or to what degree - since true love is not exclusive but draws everyone in.   People can disappoint you, fail you, reject you, but in the end nothing can withstand the power of unconditional love.  It is part of God's character, defining who He is and should be part of our character, defining who we are. 

Laughter frees the soul to see the absurd in life or just the everyday events and puts them into perspective."